One Year of Infertility
What?! How am I already writing a “one year” post on this subject? It feels like just yesterday we “decided to start trying” and I never thought in a MILLION years I would be a person to struggle with this. I’ve been thinking about how I wanted to write this post but each and every time I thought about what I would write, I just started crying. This subject is touchy. This subject is heart wrenching and life changing and brings so many mixed emotions into my life.
I often wonder if I should be sharing these types of things on my blog. Should I be writing about the absolute, most intimate parts of my life? I get nervous. Nervous for peoples reactions, nervous about how people might perceive me, and nervous about saying too much and not being able to take any of it back. Isn’t that the beautiful part of having a blog, though? I get to share and share and share and maybe someone, just one person, they might relate. They might take something away from my post or they might feel uplifted, inspired, or even as if they aren’t alone. That is why I do this. That is why I post these scary, yet real posts. It is my life. It’s OUR life. And I love sharing our story.
April 2014 was the month M and I decided we would “stop preventing”. Part of me hates myself for being SO naive to think it would just “happen”. On the other hand, how was I to know? No one plans for these types of situations. Absolutely no one. The first few months went by and I just kept telling myself “it’s okay, we just need time”. After 6 months had passed I felt absolutely crushed. I felt angry and confused and hurt and every emotion in-between.
Trying for a baby is a funny thing. I go through different episodes of crazy which is one of the worst things about all of this. Some days i’m TRULY okay with where we’re at. But on my bad days, I cry. I cry constantly and I feel like a complete and utter psycho. I cry knowing things aren’t going according to my plan. It’s a hard thing to cope with. Every time my cycle comes I sit on the bathroom floor and cry and pray to God this is my last month I have to go through this. I pray constantly that I’m ready to be a mom again. And not to mention the clomid has made me 129485920 times more crazy and emotional than I already am. But you already knew that because of my last blog post.
This past year has, through everything, been amazing. Every second with M has truly been a fairytale since the day I met him. We’ve grown together like CRAZY through this adventure called infertility. I truly don’t know where I would be without him and his support. (Well, I wouldn’t be trying for a baby, but that’s besides the point.) M and I work. Our teamwork is phenomenal and the both of us together are unstoppable. I think you have to have a pretty strong husband to deal with you during your TTC journey. So once again, shout out to my husband for dealing with me.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I’m sharing our journey in hopes that someone else will share theirs. Infertility isn’t “normal”. It’s not easy to deal with and it’s emotionally draining. You are not alone. If you are struggling with infertility, i’m here to tell you that you are NOT alone. This is our story. This is our journey. This is our life and I couldn’t love it any more if I tried.