I know I’m not the only one going through pregnancy during a pandemic, but I wanted to write about it so years from now I don’t forget all the craziness that is a reality for so many people right now.
If you don’t know anyone who is pregnant right now or haven’t heard of some of the craziness, feel free to read along. Otherwise this will just be a post for me to look back on and hopefully, someday, laugh about all of this. (Probably not though. And probably will need therapy, to be honest. HAHA!)
Before I found out I was pregnant in September I had friends who were pregnant throughout the year, so I kind of had an idea of how things were going as far as the pandemic and doctors appointments for expecting parents. With this pregnancy we had talked about how we were going to take a little bit of a “different route” and I actually didn’t end up calling the doctors office until about 12 weeks…the point in which we usually miscarry. We figured if we waited until then, maybe we wouldn’t get too excited or attached when they told us the baby had no heartbeat. I knew going into that appointment that M wasn’t going to be able to come with me. No one could. I had to do this alone. And I knew going into it that I was going to be told, in a doctors office alone, that we had lost our baby….again. It was all too familiar.
I sobbed going to that appointment. I tried so hard to have faith. I prayed so hard for my hurting heart. I cried. And cried. And cried some more. I was seeing the P.A. at this appointment and she told me that they would schedule all blood work and the ultrasound and blah blah blah for a later date and this appointment was just to get the ball rolling. I told her of our past losses and I asked if she could just PLEASE listen for a heartbeat with the doppler. She was amazing and never hesitated to say yes. She went and grabbed the doppler and at almost 12 weeks, I heard a heartbeat. A strong heartbeat. And I sobbed more. (I cry a lot, okay?!) That poor P.A. She probably thought I was such a nut job.
Here is where things get fun….
She scheduled me for my first ultrasound, but the OB/GYN ultrasound tech was booked for a few weeks, so she got me into a different radiology/ultrasound place. Could M come with me? Still no.
At this ultrasound, I still expected bad news. It’s all we’ve ever gotten. So on the way to that appointment…I sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more. (Maybe it’s a good thing no one could be with me?! Also, a MAJOR downside to the doctors office being an hour away. Lots of time to think in the car. Not good for those with raging anxiety.)
The ultrasound started and all I could ask….”is there a heartbeat?” She told me there was. But unfortunately, that is all I got that day. She told me they don’t print pictures for people and that I would have to wait to hear from my doctor about anything else. I felt heartbroken. Barely got to see the baby but for a second, and no pictures….no cute black and white sonogram pictures to take home to my husband. I know that is so LITTLE in the big picture of life, but I was so sad.
The following appointments were by myself.
When it was time for my 20 week anatomy scan, it got cancelled due to the ultrasound tech being out. So again, I was scheduled at the radiology place. And again, I had to go alone. And again, they didn’t turn the screen so I could see anything to do with the baby. I had to ask them to see her, to which they turned the screen for MAYBE 6 seconds. And that was it. No pictures. Again.
I left that appointment sobbing. And frustrated. And angry. And just….MAD that THIS is how my pregnancy was going. This is how SO. MANY. PREGNANCIES. are going for people.
If it wasn’t for a third party ultrasound place that we paid for, my husband would never have seen his baby. That ultrasound place is in a city 4 hours away from us. And if it wasn’t for making an appointment there….we would never have pictures of our baby in the womb. I KNOW it sounds like a silly thing to be sad about. I am hoping when I read this back in a few years I laugh at myself. But for today…..for this season….I am sad. I am sad that our one shot at a pregnancy, and this is the reality of “normal”.
I know I am not alone in feeling some type of sadness during this joyous moment in life. I’ve realized I need to allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling, or anger will take residence in my heart and I am steering clear of that at all costs.
To all other families feeling any type of way during this pandemic, I see you. You are validated in your feelings. And someday, we might laugh about all of this. We can only hope, right?!