It feels SO. CRAZY to be writing this post! After years of trying for a baby, years of losing babies, and years of wondering if maybe our family was just meant to have one little girl….the time is now. We are actually pregnant. And we are actually pregnant past 11, 12, 13, and 14 weeks! I am almost 17 weeks and I think a slight panic of “uh….now what do we do?!” has set in. I mean…it has been a LOOOONG time since I’ve been pregnant and had a baby. Has anyone else been in that boat and you just feel like you’re going to forget everything about a newborn?!
When we got pregnant, I was shocked to say the least. When we made it past 10 weeks, I was shocked to say the least. When I went in for an ultrasound at 12 weeks, I was shocked to see a little baby moving and wiggling around…to say the least. We truly felt like this chapter of our lives was closing and had come to terms with the fact that this was going to be our family. The three of us. And it was perfect and wonderful and we were happy about that. But now we get to add another little girl and I am over the moon. (I AM HAVING ANOTHER GIRL!!! WHAAAATT?!?!?!) Okay, still not over it. 😉
The range of emotions I have felt since finding out we were pregnant has been…challenging. I wrote this down after finding out we were pregnant:
“Two days after finding out we are pregnant. Two days ago I took my 6th positive pregnancy test. I have felt every emotion possible in the last few days. I have prayed more these days than ever before. Prayers of gratitude and prayers of pleading. I have cried and given myself a panic attack over the thought of being pregnant again, but I am exactly where I hoped to be at this moment in time. We were getting real close to being done forever. Closing this chapter of our lives. We tried and we fought. And maybe that is why this feels so bittersweet. I cried to Michael when I showed him the test and I said “this is the last time I will ever be pregnant.” Because for us, this is the last time we will try for a baby. It has been years of heartbreak, years of struggle, and years of trying to figure out “what’s next?” And still I find myself asking that question. What’s next? I am so guarded. I refuse to let myself get excited. I was just telling a friend…we never plan for the arrival of a baby, we just plan for around 14 weeks later when I will probably miscarry. How morbid is that?! But that is what recurrent miscarriage does to you. Every pregnancy isn’t full of hope and joy. It’s filled with hesitation and reservation. I am praying for these next few weeks. I am literally praying every second that my body and this baby can finally work together and we can bring our baby earth side. I know He has a plan. I have always rested in that truth. So here we are again. Waiting. Hoping. Trusting. Praying. Holding our breaths.”
Oof. Talk about emotions being brought up reading that again. But that’s real and that’s raw. Sometimes, pregnancy isn’t easy and wonderful and beautiful for every person. Sometimes it’s lots of crying, lots of pain, and lots of worry. We are finally getting to a point where we are excited, to a point where we feel like we can let our guard down just a little bit and let ourselves feel the bit of joy and anticipation that most couples probably feel when they are planning for a baby.
For me, I think finding out the baby was a girl was what made me get over that fear hump. I still went into that appointment, at 15+ weeks, sick to my stomach thinking they might tell me bad news. That’s all we’ve ever been told at ultrasounds…bad news.
I know this has been a LONG journey and so many of you have watched along side of us for it all. I can’t say enough how grateful I am for each of you. This is a very surreal time for me and I am overcome with emotions and gratitude each day. Just know that I love you all. And thank you.